Amy's 'momentary trouble'

One year ago tomorrow, late in the afternoon, I sat in a small recovery room waiting for Amy to come out of the anesthetic. Two weeks earlier, we had made the decision and switched doctors/hospitals. We were unhappy with the path the other surgeon wanted to take and ultimately lost confidence in him. So, after meeting earlier in the week with the new doctor/surgeon, he wanted Amy to have yet another ERCP (where they put a tube with a camera down her throat to look in her stomach and beyond). She had one previously at the other hospital, but I’m sure the new doctor wanted updated pictures and to have their specialist take a look for himself. So, here I was, sitting quietly in this rather small room with three walls and a curtain. To keep the noise down and let Amy sleep, I kept the T.V. off and alternated from reading the paper to playing an electronic version of Yahtzee. The doctor poked his head in several times to check on Amy, but as she was still sleeping, he left. Eventually Amy started coming around and she drifted in and out for about the next 30 minutes or so. Once she was more fully awake, she asked for some water, but the nurse only gave her ice chips until the doctor could ok anything more. We may have waited for another 30 to 45 minutes until the doctor came back around. He proceeded to tell us about the procedure, and that he did see some obstruction of the bile duct, rather that it looked like the opening was being pulled or stretched to the side. He proceeded to tell us that he was able to extract a cell sample from the tumor and that preliminary results looks to him that the tumor was cancerous. And so on February 28th 2006, began Amy’s 8 month and 16 day journey with Pancreatic Cancer.
Please, if you can remember, take a moment today and think of a time when Amy made you laugh! I guarantee you won’t be able to do it without smiling!
And Amy will be smiling down as well.

For the love of Amy - V

School was cancelled today, the kids were excited! When as was said and done, we've gotten close to 18...maybe 20 inches of snow since this past Friday. Poor Trevor did most of the shoveling (I did take a short turn on Sunday). The older two and I sat around and played Scrabble yesterday afternoon. Vinny was playing a video game and Hope went between watching a TV show and watching us play. We spent a lot of time together this weekend, what with everything cancelled and all. It was nice...just us.
So, today, Brittany and her friends got together and went sledding. When she finished, she came home and then Trevor went out with his friends to snowboard, etc. I really appreciate that they both respect each other enough that they will come home and let the other have their time too.
Wednesday is a significant day. I'm not going to go into it tonight, but I will on Wednesday.

For the love of Amy - V

Brittany was supposed to compete in our regional Solo and Ensemble competition today, but because of the snow, it was cancelled. I’m curious as to what will be done about it because the kids with high scores would have gone on to compete at the state level. The other 8th grade boy’s team (not Trevor’s team) traveled 3 hours to a tournament in Minnesota. They got there and the tournament was cancelled. We got about 8 or perhaps 10 inches of snow here and we’re supposed to get another 4 to 6 tonight and tomorrow.

Rest on this Earth is a false rest. Be careful of people who urge you to find happiness here; you wont find it. There are those who think they find it, but it usually never holds their attention for long. Guard against those who promise that joy is only a diet…a marriage…a job…a million dollars away. Try this, imagine a perfect world. Whatever that personally means to you, imagine it. If that means peace, then imagine complete tranquility. Does your perfect world imply joy? Then create your highest happiness in your mind. How about love? If your perfect world has it, ponder a place where love knows no bounds. Now, let your imagination run absolutely wild and try to imagine what heaven is like. Take a moment and get it firmly in your mind…and then smile as the Father reminds all of us in 1 Corinthians 2:9 - No one has ever imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him. When it comes to describing heaven, even letting our imaginations run wild thinking about it, we are all happy failures!

For the love of Amy - V

When I was a child, I had a toy called Major Matt Mason. He was what could be called one of the very first action figures and he was an astronaut. He was rubberized and had multiple joints which would ‘click’ and stay in position. He also had many accessories which you could buy that would allow him to move, talk or…well, be an astronaut. Major Matt was one of my favorite toys and I played with him a lot…that is until one day, one of his joints in his arm broke. And when I bent his arm to ‘click’ into place…it didn’t click…instead, it just flopped back into its neutral position. However, I continued to play with him…but he wasn’t the same, he was broken…usable, but changed. Eventually his arm fell off near the joint at the elbow, exposing a little wire. My mother, being the good, safety conscious mother that she was, took Major Matt as it now posed a safety hazard. As children, our favorite toys come and go. They break and are thrown away or are boxed up and placed in the attic where they collect dust and fade from our memories. In this disposable world, things that are well used or partially broken are often tossed aside, they've long since been replaced with the new and shiny fresh and unused.

I’m not a Toy and by no means am I Major Matt Mason, however, much like a child’s toy, I know I am well used and at times feel I may be broken. I really am not saying this from a ‘woe is me’ mentality…it just makes me wonder. Will I too be placed on a shelf to collect dust…or boxed up…never to be used again…never to experience that which I SO need…I wonder. I pray this isn’t the case because I am not ready…I’m not prepared to face that lonely fate. I have always had a great need to be needed… wanted…loved. I know and understand that God has a plan for me and my life; it’s just difficult not knowing which path He will lead me down. Where I go from here MUST be by God’s design…I just don’t trust my heart.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I heard a new song on the radio today…

Walking her Home – Mark Schultz

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call
Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you’ll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one And the doctor said come in and meet your son
His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he’s got your eyes
And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
own that old road With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side
A nursing home At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said
Oh Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out
But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

For the love of Amy - V

I’ve been helping (if you can call it that) coach Trevor’s 8th grade basketball team. Each Saturday we travel to some remote town and find our way to the local school (middle or High). This year especially, they’ve been outsized on average by about 5 or 6 inches and 25 to 35 lbs. and as a result, the boys have not won very many games (1 and 23?). Now, they have come very close to winning 8 or perhaps 10 of those other games, but through error or circumstance, they weren’t able to ‘seal the deal’. The point is this, in the face of indescribable odds, these boys continue to go out on the court and for the most part they don’t give up. They go out there and give it their best shot and a good deal of the times, we’ll hang in there. These boys have tenacity, they have spirit and they love the game.

Throughout life, situations come and go, trials, temptations, testing’s. Sometimes we try and fail sometimes we succeed. It’s great to win, it’s nice to succeed but it’s not just about winning, it’s in how you play the game…it’s in how you run the race. When we’re out there on the court or on the job, are you giving it your best shot? As us coaches say, ‘are you leaving it all out on the court?’

Heb 12; 1-3: Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

So, are you entangled…stumbling along in the race of life? Maybe you’re still in training and learning just how to run. Or perhaps you’re a seasoned runner trying to keep from injuring yourself. Which ever the case…you’re on the track and you’re in the race. What’s your goal…who/what are your eyes fixed on?

For the love of Amy - V

A lot of you know already, but for those of you who don’t, there are congratulations to be offered! This past Friday (Feb 9th), Brittany passed her Wisconsin drivers test and she’s now a legal driver on the roads of Wisconsin! I was very proud of her! Now…my insurance agent is happy too as my rates almost exactly doubled - ouch! Oh well, it will be nice to have another driver in the family again!

Three months…1/4 of a year…I can not believe it’s been three months and yet at times it seems like forever. A lot has happened in that seemingly short time frame; Vinny & Hopes birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Vinny & Trevor both in basketball and Brittany cheerleading…list goes on and on. We are marching on, step by step and day by day. Some days gets a little easier but some days we take a few steps back and that’s ok. With the goal of moving forward, but never forgetting firmly in our minds, we have and will continue to rely on God’s comfort and guidance. ‘And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.’

Today is Valentines Day. Amy and I were never extravagant when it came to celebrating this day, but we did hold it as a special day. I remember our first Valentines Day together as a married couple. We were dirt poor and house sitting for a retired pastor and I baked a cake in heart shaped cake pans. I made the frosting and used food coloring to color the frosting a shade of pink. I also remember that I splurged and bought her a musical card that played ‘You are My Sunshine’. For those of you who have a significant other…take the time to be romantic, you don’t have to spend a fortune to make him/her feel loved, just take some time, be unique & have fun. This simple act will earn you HUGE kudos. Oh…and don’t ever, EVER take your special someone for granted.

For the love of Amy - V

A few days ago, I was handed an article by a friend. This article, clipped from a ‘Parade’ type paper, talked about a mother’s grief over losing her 5 year old daughter to disease. She struggled for quite awhile with trying to figured out just how to go on, how to regain her identity. This mother wrote that everywhere she looked, every special day that past, she saw shades of her daughter. She went on to say that so much of ourselves, our identities are tied up/connected with those we love, that when tragedy does strike, our identities flounder and possibly even die to a certain extent. The writer goes on to say after the death of someone you love, we are forced to figure out who we are now and it’s difficult to reach the point where you realize that moving forward doesn’t mean leaving behind the person you’ve lost. Little by little she came to realize that in order for her to pull herself out of her deep grief, she needed to start placing her identity in other things or activities that wouldn’t immediately remind her of her daughter. This wasn’t to say that she wanted to forget her daughter, on the contrary, she had/has a deep seeded need to never forget her, but in order for her to move beyond the grief, the heartache and the pain, she needed to purposefully establish a new identity, who she was without her daughter. I haven’t been posting very much lately and for the longest time, I really wasn’t sure why. All I knew is that my muse…my inspiration had died and after awhile, I was no longer sure where to go from there, what to write about, what to share. In essence, I lost myself. So, in the vacuum of time I found myself searching for who I am now. Who IS Vince Howard now…today. Some things are plainly obvious, like:

- I’m a ‘sudden’ single parent of four kids who desperately need to know that everything will be alright.
- I am a child of God and He IS my strong tower and He WILL comfort me, provide for me and watch over me.
- The dynamic of where I fit in has changed. I’m not part of a couple anymore and while on the surface nothing has changed in the relationships that Amy and I had together, there does seem to be an underlying level of uncertainty or hesitancy.
- In spite of what I said above, I have friends who love me and will be there in a moments notice if I need them. Some of them find it difficult to approach me and search for the right words to say (and that’s OK, I need more ears than mouths at this point in time). I can actually see the sadness in their eyes when they come up to me, pat me on the shoulder and ask how I’m doing.

In all of this, even in my search for my redefined identity, I know that God has a plan for me. Other things are a bit more difficult, like moving on emotionally and while I know that will/may come with time, I know myself well enough that I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I struggle with many aspects of this issue and quite often my heart aches over the mere thought of it. Not to mention other potential avenues of concern too; how do/would the kids feel about it if/when a new person enters my life, what would I do if an issue arose where I would need to choose to side with this new person or my kids. I know and understand that I am getting the cart WAY before the horse, but this is real, this is what I will have to face.

So, I’m searching…and day by day I continue to find pieces of my shattered life and as I rediscover each piece, I am quickly finding out that it isn’t reassembling the same way as before…I am not the same person I was a year ago and in many ways, that’s good (I feel closer to God for one) and in others, it’s sad. However, I KNOW that if it wasn’t for my faith in the one true God (my El-Shaddai) and the results of the blessings He daily rains down upon me, I would have cracked under the pressure and stress and pain months ago.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us and To Him who is able to keep us from falling and to present us before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy, to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord – Amen.

For the love of Amy - V

I have talked with two of the other organizers of Sunday’s benefit and preliminary totals show that a little over $6000 was raised. I can not express the gratefulness I have for those who invested time and money to help make this event a success. And to each of the businesses who donated well over $15,000 worth of goods and services. Your generosity has not gone un-noticed. And it was those of you (friends, family and concerned citizens) who took time out on a busy Sunday to come out, eat some food and enjoy the auction. Thank you.

In six days, Amy will have been gone three months and I can hardly believe it. I don’t know what’s in store for me and at times that seems very overwhelming, but I know that God is in control and he’s a much better driver than I.
Speaking of driving, please be praying for Brittany as she will be taking her driving test this Friday (for the second time).

For the love of Amy - V

Well, I don't have any totals yet, but the turn out was good! I have posted a few pictures to show what the venue looked like and to show what can happen when God works through good people! I just wanted to thank Laurie and Leo Grill, Brenda Weinke, Sue Eldred-Kujawa, Deb Paape, Sue Laux and last, but not least, my sister Donna and her husband David. The help and support of all of these people blended together is the true testement of love. I will in short time, get a total from the event. It was a long and tiring day, but everything came off without a hitch.