Amy's 'momentary trouble'

Amy had another good day and she even cooked supper. Brittany on the other hand is recovering from strep-throat, so please be praying for her. At the risk of being a bit preemptive, I think we’ve made it through a week without going to the ER! Yeah!

Psalm 37:25
I was young and now I’m old, but I have never seen good people left helpless or their children begging for food.

We all worry. We worry about work, or school, or our taxes. We worry we wont have enough money and when we do have money, we worry that we wont manage it well. The examples are endless! Honestly now, did God save us so we would worry? Would He be nailed to a cross for our sins and then disregard our prayers? Come on! Or is scripture teasing us when it reads in Psalms 91:11 ‘For he will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.’ Worry is wasteful. It wastes time, it wastes energy and it wastes our joy. More over, it distracts us from our worship.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Amy and I are preparing to start our 3rd year leading part of our youth group. We’ve been with the same group of kids since they were freshmen and we team lead with another couple who has a daughter the same age of Brittany. After we found out about Amy’s condition last February, we pulled out of the rest of the semester to focus on Amy and in essence, to circle the wagons. Although this was needed at the time, we have really missed the kids and connecting with them on a weekly basis. All of that to say, Amy and I attended the first leaders meeting of the up coming year this evening. We met at our youth pastor’s home where all of us had dinner together, talked about the up coming year and started making plans. We really had a good time of fellowship and planning, but when it was all said and done, Amy was tired and ready to head home.

Amy met with the urologist yesterday to talk about her kidney stone(s). Over the weekend, Amy passed two very small stones and after giving these to the doctor and talking about her experience, he had some x-rays taken. After reading the films the doctor came back in and told Amy that there were no more stones that he could see and definitely nothing of the size previously diagnosed! Thank you Lord!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

For some odd reason, Amy’s chemo treatment hasn’t sapped all of her strength this week. We praise God and thank Him for this very evident answer to prayer! Amy drove to the store and picked up some groceries and even attended Trevor’s open house today! Granted, when she got home she was pretty well wiped out, but at least she was up and out and that’s always good!

Have you ever noticed that in the many accounts of the various healings of Jesus, that He almost always tells them to either: Get up or Go? He doesn’t tell them: Rest! Sit and contemplate what has happened. Look them up for yourself, they are spread through out the gospels and involve lepers, the blind, the lame, a paralytic, seizures, the deaf and mute…even the dead, there are up to 35 recorded miracles of healing that Jesus performed (there are actually more, but a few accounts just say that ‘many were healed’ or ‘and they were all healed’). Why does He tell them to do these things? Who would have a more effective witness in a small town then one of their own? Just by walking around town, these people would draw such wonder and awe that there could be no denying that Jesus is the Messiah. There is no doubt in my mind that God has healed Amy, look at all the eyes that are on her, observing her and not just observing her health, but her attitude and her faith as well. God has the attention of a great number of people because of His plan for Amy.

Get up Amy! Get up and go!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Amy’s white blood cell and platelet counts have retuned to acceptable levels so she was able to resume her chemo treatments this week. She days continue to fluctuate between good, terrible and anywhere in between. The toughest issues she’s dealing with right now are digestive and strength/stamina, although she’s seeing an urologist tomorrow about the large kidney stone she has. Please especially hold these areas up for prayer. We need to get her up and moving around more; not only will that help her strength and stamina, but according to a doctor I know well, it will help her digestion as well.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

This has not been the best of weeks for me. I've struggled with feelings of doubt surrounding being a good father and provider to my kids and family as a whole. The emotional, mental and physical pressure builds over time and if I’m not careful, threatens to overwhelm me. Of course I have no choice except to press on. Previous to Amy’s cancer, I thought we shared in the household duties pretty well, but I truly have no idea how women who work outside of the home full time can put in 8 hours, come home and prepare supper, make sure the laundry and dishes are done, run interference between the kids, get the kids showered/bathed and in bed, without any help. Sure we have the kids to help, but do you honestly think they do them naturally without prompting? I know were not the only parents that have had to deal with this issue, but I can only focus on so many tasks until I’m not doing any of them very well. I am SO thankful for friends, neighbors and family who are willing to sit with Amy, drive her to her treatments, mow our yard, cook us a meal or even just drop by and let us know that they’re thinking and praying for us. Sometimes you get into a routine and just by nature of completing tasks, you can start to feel a little isolated. I know that after every posting I always put ‘This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V’ and that I’m straying from the chosen subject today, but my thoughts are a jumbled mess. I’m not really feeling the ‘woe is me, pour little Vince’ that this might be sounding like, but rather the pressure. Pressure from work to perform, pressure from home to make sure that the things that need to get done are done, pressures from church, pressures from family, pressures from almost every aspect of my life. And all I really want to focus on is Amy.

Amy hasn’t felt very well the last couple of days, stomach pain and I’m sure the kidney stone(s) aren’t helping. She hasn’t gotten out of bed much and she really needs to as she needs to build her strength back up.

Carbon, under 5 gigapascals of pressure, becomes diamond. Dirt under the same pressure just becomes rock. I sure am glad I’m a carbon based life form. I know that God is there and I know that he has sustained me and is actually carrying me through this. It’s just hard…and tiring.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

You would have thought I’d have learned by now. It seems that each time I write about Amy having a good day, she gets a one-two punch and ends up having a string of several bad ones. Yesterday at about 3:00pm Amy called me at work. It was obvious that she was in a lot of pain as she told me that Trevor and Brittany were both gone to their sporting events and the two younger ones where down to the neighbor’s playing. She was all alone and wanted to know if I could come home right away. I told her that I was the only one watching the phones at the moment and that I would need to wait until someone came back before I could leave. Taking a quick look at everyone’s calendar, I saw that they were all in meetings until 4:00pm. I called Amy back and told her that it was going to be awhile and she told me ‘OK, I’ll try. Vince, the pain in my side is SO bad I can’t even stand to touch it or roll over onto my back.’ I told her I was sorry, that I loved her and that I had to go. About 15 min later I finally tracked someone down who could cover for me and headed out. When I arrived home, Amy was laying in bed on her right side. I asked her a few questions and she showed me where her pain was. I was really trying to get a grip on what was going on and what our next steps should be when she started having an episode. She would cry out in pain, writhe trying unsuccessfully to find a position that was comfortable or at least relieve her pain. She asked me to rub the spot on her side, but only let me for about 5 seconds because of the pain. She tried getting up and walking around, but that too provided no relief. All the while crying…sobbing uncontrollably…even that caused her pain. Finding no liberation to this pain, she cried out repeatedly to God for mercy. This lasted for 10 minutes. I placed a call to her oncologist and while we were waiting for the return call, another episode started. Brittany came home in the midst of this and she came right in and held her mothers hand. I sat there and watched Brittany watch her mother thrash about in pain and it wasn’t long before tears were streaming down Brittany’s face; the sorrow clearly etched on her face. I decided we weren’t going to wait any longer and I took Amy up to the ER. After being poked and prodded, they took Amy to have a CT Scan done on her kidneys and not too longer afterward a warning went out over the PA system announcing that a tornado warning was in effect and the staff were to move all patients to the basement. Amy slept most of this time away as I either played our portable Yahtzee or watched the other patients. At 9:15pm, they announced that the warning had passed and the patients could be returned to their rooms. Just after they got Amy back into her room, her doctor came in and told us that Amy has kidney stones and that this was the cause of her pain. We left home around 4:15pm and returned about 10pm. Today Amy got a call from the clinic telling her that she’s got a stone 9mm in diameter and that she’ll have to see an urologist about getting it removed. I told Amy that I wished the ER had a frequent visitor’s card and that maybe on the tenth visit we’d have enough punches for a free trip through the cafeteria.

I truly thank God that this was all it was.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Amy had a really good day. She ate well, went to Brittany’s tennis match and even walked half way around the block to visit a neighbor. And get this…she even attempted to make supper! If she wouldn’t have grabbed a handle that was too hot and singed her hand, she would have finished too!

Your boat’s been battered and swamped and the sails have taken a beating. The storm has past, you’ve ridden it out and now you’re in calm waters. What do you do now? Do you say ‘Whew! We made it!’ and carry on your merry way? Do you say ‘Wow! That was exhausting!’ and go take a rest? Or do you pick yourself up and get to work checking out the boat? Checking for leaks, bailing out the water, checking the sails for rips and tears, making sure that the boat is sea worthy. If you were any type of experienced sailor at all you would be doing the later because you know it’s just a matter of time before another storm crosses the horizon. This is where Amy and I are at in this journey, we’ve weathered yet another storm and now we’re on calm waters and as we together inspect our ‘boat’, we pay special attention to the one piece of equipment that saved our lives and kept our boat from being dashed upon the rocks, that is our anchor. The anchor is our faith; heavy and firmly secure, it keeps us from floating aimlessly and running aground. In C. H. Spurgeon’s book, ‘Finding Peace In Life’s Storms’ he says, "..The anchor is necessary. The person, who is easily moved and believes one thing today and another thing tomorrow, is fickle. Our God has provided us with an anchor to hold us securely so that we will not be shipwrecked, to keep us in peace, to prevent us form losing ground, and to enable us to remain faithful and useful. The purposes are the result of God’s kindness and wisdom toward us. Let us bless the Lord who has so graciously cares for us.”

The next storm may have nothing to do with Amy or with her cancer, but life being the way it is, eventually a storm will come and we want to make sure we’re as ready for it as we can be.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Today Amy went down to have her Chemo treatment. This was her 6th treatment…the end of her second of six months. Unfortunately her blood platelets were too low, so she wasn’t able to have it. Platelets are irregularly-shaped, colorless bodies that are present in blood. Their sticky surface lets them, along with other substances, form clots to stop bleeding. So, she’ll have to wait until next week.
This fall when the kids go back to school Amy will be home alone. She hasn’t been alone since before her surgery and I’m not sure she’ll be either physically or mentally ready to be alone. If any of you ladies are willing to spend part of a weekday with Amy, it really would be appreciated.

The Twins game was a lot of fun and we enjoyed going with Randy and Ben. I have been to several Cubs games in the past, but going to the Twins was different in that they didn’t have a play by play (or color) announcer and without that, I felt the game was not as exciting, but we still had fun!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

For the first time in about three weeks, nothing was on our plate to do first thing in the morning. That may seem inconsequential to you, but to me it meant that I could actually sleep in and let me tell you it was heavenly! It wasn’t extremely late, just 9:00am, but it was VERY nice all the same.

We really didn’t do a whole lot today, but I did make my home made salsa, using tomatoes from our garden and chili peppers from our neighbors. My sister Denise, Randy, Ben and Rob came up this evening. Randy, Ben, Trevor and I are going to see the Twins play the Chicago White Sox tomorrow at the Metro dome while Denise and Rob hang out at our house. Looking forward to having a good time!


This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Amy has been having quite the issue lately with thick mucus in her throat and you can imagine what it does to her heightened nausea. So, we asked her doctor about a drug called scopolamine. This drug is usually prescribed for motion sickness, but is frequently used to ‘dry’ people up as well and it’s dispensed as a trans-dermal patch. I looks much like a small round band aide and you place it behind your ear. It worked quite well, but it also made her very drowsy and we just removed her from another medication after it made her drowsy and kept her in bed. So, she’s no longer taking that.

Just a short post tonight, it’s been a long tiring week for me and for the first time in three weeks, I’ll be able to sleep in…God bless.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Last week, Friday I think, Amy and I took our dog for a walk. It was Feliz’s last walk of the night and we decided to take her around the block. This was after the results of the CT Scan had been revealed to us and we were talking about the kids, us and different scenarios, when Amy stopped, turned to me and said, ‘I AM going to beat this! I don’t feel like God is done with me and I don’t feel that this is my time’…what conviction!…what faith! We have been married for twenty years and I continue to be amazed and at times surprised by her. I am completely humbled by the bravery, dignity and humor she continues to show throughout this journey. I am honored to call her my wife and am proud of the character she has shown.

What If (by Nichole Nordeman)

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you’re wrong?

Maybe you’ve gone to church your whole life. Gone Sunday after Sunday, sang the songs, listened to the minister, maybe even taught Sunday school, but are you saved? Salvation isn’t in the going…isn’t in the songs…it isn’t the minister, nor in the service we offer or the fellowship we enjoy. These are things we do, acts we perform…Ephesians 2:8-9 says: ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.’ There is nothing you or I can do on our own to earn our way into heaven. It’s a gift bought and paid for with the blood of Christ, as creations of free thought, we have the choice to accept the gift and forever be changed…sealed, or refuse the gift and face the future on our own. Just believing that Jesus lived isn’t enough…believing He was a good teacher isn’t enough.

Where do you stand? Do you believe that Jesus is the son of God, who came and died a brutal death on a roman cross as a recompense for all sin and three days later rose from the dead?

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

To say that yesterday’s MRI report was a relief, is a HUGE understatement. Unless you have gone through a similar life threatening ordeal, I’m not sure you can truly understand the gravity of the situation Amy faced. If what the CT Scan showed turned out to indeed be Pancreas Adenocarcinoma tumor re-growth, this would have been extremely bad news. This would have meant that the tumor had not only re-appeared, but was actually thriving in the midst of a chemotherapy involving the strongest chemo-agent known to have any effect on this type of cancer. There would have been very few if any choices going forward and none of them would have been aimed at a cure. And so, in light of the fear and seemingly end of available options, God in His perfect plan, chose another path. One of hope and light, for never will He leave us nor forsake us.

Through this journey we have definitely had our highs and lows, going from: Jan-this is nothing to Feb-this is something & she needs surgery to Apr-she can’t have surgery, let’s do chemo to May-Chemo didn’t work, but let’s try surgery anyway to Jun-Surgery and its great miracle to Jun/July-Recovery and the reality of it to July-Recovery in the midst of chemo to Aug-A CT Scan and the word that the tumors might be back to Aug-An MRI and the opinion that the tumor isn’t back. This rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts combined with the actual physical strain is very exhausting.

We continue to have people ask how we’re doing financially and if we need anything. Obviously with Amy not being able to work or even return to work this fall, there are things that are starting to build (medial bills being one of them) and as we are coming up on school, there are needs. For those who have asked and are interested, a fund (Howard Family Fund) has been created and is administrated by Helping Hands Ministries. I have provided a link to their site on the left hand side of this page. All donations are tax deductible and 100% goes straight to the fund with no administration fees.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

2 Timothy 4:17-18
But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen

Amy had her MRI follow up meeting this morning at 9:30am. We left about 8:30 and Amy’s mom drove us down, we stopped at the Kwik Trip in Sauk City to get gas, coffee and doughnuts. This stop put us a little behind, so Amy’s mom took it up a notch (or three!) and putting our lives at GREAT risk (just kidding), made it down there just two minutes late. Amy got called and all of us went back to the exam room. The nurse came in after a few minutes and checked Amy’s vitals and asked the normal series of questions that one gets asked when visiting a doctor (i.e. Do you have pain, Are you eating regularly, Do you have any trouble: breathing, sleeping, etc.) and then dismissed herself. Not too long after, Dr. M comes in and says, ‘How would you like a break?’ And in the literal split second before anything more is said, I’m thinking, ‘Break from what…Chemo? That can’t be good. Does that mean he’s taking her off chemo?’ He must have seen the confusion on all of our faces because his next words were, ‘How would you like some good news for a change? After looking at the images, reviewing them several times and going over them with a fine tooth comb, the radiologists are convinced that the spots on Amy’s liver are Focal Nodular Hyperplasia (this is the same type of spot they originally saw and I talked about in my very first posting dated 3/1/06. This is a benign liver tumor that occurs frequently and is often discovered incidentally. It occurs mainly in women and usually requires no treatment. The potential for complications is extremely low).’ After tears of relief and MANY praises to God, I asked him about the liver and lymph node issues and he said that they are attributing that to tissue that is inflamed/irritated by the chemo treatments. And I followed up with asking him about the ‘thickening’ of the area around where the surgery took place and he said that he has seen this happen before and can frequently be scarring caused by the previous radiation/chemo treatments. They are moving forward with her treatments as if nothing has happened and will continue to monitor these areas (CT Scans every two months) for any changes.

Thank you Lord, for once again proving that nothing is beyond your care…your touch…your control.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

It was a long day for Amy. She needed to be down to Madison by 9:30 for blood work, so she left with her mother and her OLDER sister around 8:15. Next, her chemo was scheduled for 10:30, followed by her MRI at 1:00. Between her chemo and MRI, the three of them ate lunch in the hospital cafeteria. I’m not sure how many of you have had an MRI, but Amy’s lasted about an hour and they had to call her back in to redo part of it. At 4:30pm, Amy finally called me to say that they were just then leaving the hospital…she sounded very tired…and no wonder! She spent a full day getting poked, infused, drawn from, magnetized, capsulated, injected & imaged. They got home about 20 minutes after I did and basically turned around and left for Trevor’s softball game while I went to my trustee’s meeting. After Trevor’s game, I met them and went to supper at Culvers (Amy’s mom treated! Thanks mom!). We got home around 9:00pm, this had been a very full day for Amy and it didn’t take long before she went off to bed.

As I have mentioned before, tomorrow is another crucial day in this journey. Tomorrow at 9:30, we will meet with Amy’s oncologist to discuss the results of the MRI. It may be that the images will be apparent enough to clearly define what the spots on Amy’s liver are, or they may not. For me, I am praying that they are clear enough…clear enough to see that there is nothing on the liver at all…clear enough to tell that there is no evidence of tumor re-growth.

John 16:24 - Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, so that your joy will be made complete.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Trevor was involved in summer basketball and this weekend was the big tournament. The plan was that they’d play 1 game Friday night, another Saturday afternoon and another Sunday. If they won all three games, they’d play a championship game right after their Sunday game. Last night they played an exciting game against Mauston. The boys came out flat in the first half, but hung tight and were up by a basket or two at the half. The second half they played much better and ended up winning by 8 points. When we got to the field house on Saturday, we learned that the team we were supposed to play (West Field) never showed and they were going to move our Sunday game up to today. So, we ended up playing Sauk Prairie instead. Nothing against our guys, but each of their boys had at least 35 lbs on us and 5 of their guys were 6 foot or taller! Now, I have to hand it to our boys, they worked hard and held them to within 10 points the first half, but the second half got away from them and they ended up loosing by 20, but not before Trevor sunk a 3 pointer for his mother!

We had planned to go out with close friend’s of ours for supper tonight, but after all the excitement of the basketball game, Amy was wiped and didn’t really feel up to going out. So instead, our dear friend’s brought supper to us! We sat at our table and ate together, sharing stories and catching up with each other. Afterward, we went out back to our deck and talked until well past dark. This was one of the nicest nights we’ve had in a long time, it was relaxing, nice to connect with another couple and it was like a return to our normal lives.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Matthew 14: 22-33
Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I, Do not be afraid." "Lord, if it is you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

Can you imagine what it must have felt like stepping out of that boat and onto the water? Cool and damp, but oddly firm? Was it slippery or was his pace sure? Did he rise with the waves or did the water flow around his legs? It must have been exhilarating! And most likely a bit frightening as well. This lesson really has very little to do with water or walking on it. As long as Peter kept his focus on Jesus (which wasn’t for very long) the water supported him, but the second his mind started to wander and his eyes left the focus of his faith, he started to sink. The act of walking on water was an object lesson for Peter, but the main lesson, the big picture is faith. But why Peter, why not the other disciples? There were eleven other disciples in that boat. Why was Peter the only one invited by Christ to step out of the boat? Simply, because Peter asked. Philippians 4:6 says: “in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Peter asked, Jesus answered. The rest was up to Peter.
Not much has changed in 2000 years, even with the Bible to study; we still deal with issues of faith. When we face risks or great challenges, we have a choice to make: Where to place our faith. Do you placed your faith in yourself? In your own abilities and strength? Or in God’s abilities and strength? Let’s see; Man: Limited in knowledge and strength, fallible…God: All knowing, All powerful, infallible.

So all of that to say, here I stand, though the winds of fear buffet me from every side and the wails of despair fill my ears, I will hold Jesus Christ as the focus of my faith. For He is my strength…He is my wisdom…and in Him, I rest my hope.

This coming Monday, Amy has her MRI (I got them to move it up!) and on Tuesday at 9:00am she has an appointment to find out the result.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

This one is for you sis...
Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Several weeks ago, during Amy’s first infusion of post-surgical chemo, Amy mentioned to the nurse that she had been taking Lorazepam to counteract the nausea she experienced during her first round of chemo, but she had forgotten hers at home. The nurse said that she’d double check with the doctor, and if it was alright with him, she’d be back with it. After a short wait, she did come back with the medication but in a shot form instead. The nurse injected this into her IV and within minutes, Amy was asleep. Now, Amy’s been quite tired lately and has had little or no energy, so yesterday, while talking to her regular doctor, a little light went on and I told her about Amy’s fatigue and asked her if she thought that the Lorazepam might be the cause or a contributing factor in it. She said that one of the drug’s main side effects is drowsiness and gave Amy a prescription for an alternate anti-nausea medication called Zofran. Today she hasn’t been drowsy and when she actually went to take a nap, she couldn’t fall asleep! I’m not wishing that she can’t nap when needed, but it sure is great seeing her be a little more energetic. The only draw back to this change in medication is the cost; our co-pay for Lorazepam cost us $10, while our co-pay for the Zofran cost $50. Please consider this as a matter of prayer because while I have been VERY thankful for my insurance and couldn’t even imagine what we would have done without it, I am starting to see them question and push back more items and this is starting to have an effect on the UW. They are getting tired of waiting and passing the costs on to me and now I will have to act as a go between to get these resolved, taking time that I really don’t have.

Matthew 6:25-34
“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? "And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. "But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! "Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'" "For the world eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

My mother was a worrier, she’d worry about money and paying bills, she’d worry about her children (where they were, what they were doing, what they were wearing and who they were with…and that’s just for starters!) and she’d always worry that dad would get upset with her for spending too much money on Christmas gifts for us kids. I am sure that’s why I have always held this passage close to my heart. One of my earliest memories as a young child was that of hiding in the downstairs bathroom with my mother in the old farmhouse in Janesville Iowa while the LP man knocked repeatedly at our backdoor. I sure that it had to do with a past due bill, but at the time I distinctly remember the feeling of fear…of trepidation…of feeling that this man…this stranger, wanted to get to us. A lot has changed since I was that fearful little kid and even as I look at the passage above with eyes and mind that are more mature, I still see the promises that initially drew me to this passage so many years ago, but now I also clearly see what isn’t mentioned and that is there is no promise that says your life will be without trouble, that there wont for bumps, unexpected turns and even heartache. What He does say however is of such magnitude that the bumps, turns, troubles and heartache pale and lose their distractive elements in comparison. He cares for us. Not only that, He knows our need and if He knows our need that means He keeps watch over us.
I’d like to say that I don’t worry, but that wouldn’t be true. I can say, however that I have a confidence and a hope that is born by the faith I hold in Christ. I have gone through some pretty harrowing ordeals and am in fact in the midst of the granddaddy of them all and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that He has been their for me every step of the way…through the tears…through the pain…holding us up by the prayers of the saints.

Like the song says, ‘Don’t worry…Be happy’

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Last night about 6:15pm while lying in bed, Amy had, for lack of a better term, an episode. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head, her jaw went slack and her body lost all strength. I asked her to focus on me and she could glance at me, but then returned to her eye rolling. I asked her questions and while she could answer correctly, she spoke as if she was ¾ asleep and she couldn’t squeeze my hand. I checked and she had a good strong pulse and good breathing. She fell asleep for about 15 minutes and when she awoke, the symptoms were gone. We talked about what happened and Amy said that she felt like she was ‘disconnected’ from her body. She was fine until about 9:30 pm when she had another episode. This time I took the choice away from Amy and called the UW Hospital. The on-call resident called back fairly quickly and after explaining fully what occurred, the resident told me, ‘Wow, that sounds concerning’ no offense to all the residents out there, but I quickly ascertained that this resident wasn’t going to be able to help me. I told her thanks, but I would try to get in touch with Amy’s local doctor. By this time Amy was feeling better again. Not really sure what was going on, we called my brother-in-law, who is a doctor, and by what we described, he thought that Amy might be suffering from dehydration and that she should be OK through the night and to push the liquids the next day. However, if the symptoms returned, we were to take Amy to the ER. Amy slept the night through and actually felt pretty good this morning.

At 3:00pm I had a Telecommunications Managed Services project kick off meeting, of which I am the project manager, when a co-worker interrupted the meeting and said that they needed me. I excused myself and Linda informed me that Amy had called and I needed to call her immediately. Upon calling her, I found out that she was feeling another episode coming on and she had talked to her local doctor and she told Amy to get up to the ER right away. I grabbed my stuff from the meeting, excused myself again and left. We were up to the ER by 3:45pm and once we were in a room, they started giving Amy intravenous fluids and took some blood for additional tests. Long story short, she was dehydrated and her white blood cell count was quite low as well. They sent Amy home with explicit instructions to drink 8 oz. of something like Gatorade or juice every hour. Tonight she seems much improved and the episodes have not returned.

O God, you are my God whom I seek; for you my flesh pines and my soul thirsts like the earth…parched… lifeless and without water. I Worship the Lord with gladness; I come before him with joyful song. I enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; I give thanks to him and praise His name, for the Lord is good and his love endures forever!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

After getting the report that we did yesterday, I had some follow up questions for her oncologist. The following is the email conversation we had:

VH - Can the liver and lymph node enlargement be caused by the chemo?

Dr. M - The liver abnormalities can be a byproduct of the chemo depending on what they are. Similarly we do see lymph nodes wax and wane in size during chemotherapy.

VH - She mentioned a 'thickening' around the area where the tumor was. Is this in general or is there actual evidence that another tumor is growing?

Dr. M - There is not clear evidence of tumor regrowth in the tumor bed

VH - The MRI is scheduled at the end of the month, I don't want to wait that long, can this be moved up to as soon as possible? This week even?

Dr. M - I will work to move up the MRI

VH - Is there any evidence of tumor growth on the liver?

Dr. M - There are abnormalities on the liver that may be benign or may be tumor growth, but the CT scan was not clear enough to distinguish. The radiologists think an MRI may distinguish this.

VH - She mentioned that you said there were 'Concerning factors' but wasn't able to remember specifics, can you remember?

Dr. M - My concern is that Amy is not as energetic/doing as well as I would have hoped and when that is the case in general I always get concerned about cancer recurrence; when we combine that with changes on the scan I get even more concerned but at this point it is just concern.

VH - I know she will continue with the therapy, but what are our options or next steps? More surgery? Biopsies? If so, how far out?

Dr. M – We may talk about biopsies or other types of Xrays if the MRI is not diagnostic

VH - Lastly, I am sure that you have see what is going on with Amy before, so cutting through all of the 'waiting to be sure' stuff, what are we facing? What does your experience and gut tell you?

Dr. M - Vince, at this point I do not want to speculate other than to say that at this point I am concerned about the possibility of rapid tumor relapse while on chemotherapy which would be a bad thing but at this point I am not certain; just concerned. We will do everything we can to figure this out more rapidly and then regroup.

Amy had a really rough day, her mother and youngest sister left to go back to Iowa and they had a lot of tears.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you’ve dreamt about it? That you’ve imagined yourself using it, wearing it, seeing it or maybe even eating it? You wanted it so badly that you’d scrimp and save, even sacrifice…possibly do anything short of illegal to get your hearts desire? What would you be willing to do without or sacrifice? I have never wanted something as badly as I want Amy to be cured of this cancer. I have dreamt that the doctors were mistaken and it was just a cyst or that when they opened her up for surgery that the tumor would miraculously be gone. If it were possible, I would even sacrifice my own health and take this for her if I could…but they weren’t, it wasn’t and I can’t. Today Amy saw her oncologist to review the results of the CT Scan she had last Friday. As I have stated in a previous posting, this scan was taken in order to obtain a baseline to be used as a comparison to future scans. Instead, they told her that there appears to be some abnormalities, but they are unclear as to what they are, but there are some concerning factors. The liver has a 'fattened' appearance and some nearby lymph nodes are enlarged. Also, there is a thickening around the area where the tumor was, but they can not tell if this is from a return of the tumor or what they called 'focal fat cells' or scar tissue. He said that getting a different look (via MRI) would reveal if there's a tumor on the liver. They have scheduled an MRI closer to the end of this month, but I have asked that they not wait that long and see if they can get her in this week yet. He did go on to say that he has seen these types of scans go both ways, meaning that the original scan might appear to contain bad news, but upon obtaining a better image (via MRI), it shows all clear, or it clarifies what was originally thought with a bad result. So, all of this to say that they see things that raise their caution and their course of action is to look closer.

Psalm 34:1 I will extol the LORD at all times, his praise will always be on my lips.

In the face of this, God hasn't changed. How could He? He is who He is, who He was and who He always will be and as such is still worthy of my honor and praise.

Amy and I felt very devastated initially by this report, but as I have read and re-read the report, I can see where God has provided a path that still leads to hope. I find myself yet again in a place where I have to keep my eyes upon my Lord and savior, stay on the path provided and shut out the sneers and whisperings of the prince of lies. Pray for us please…pray for Amy as this was another blow to her resolve and she’s getting tired of fighting the battle.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Amy woke up today not feeling well and as such, took several naps and really only left the house when she went with me to get some sweet corn and run to Aldis.

One of the gifts that I bought and gave to Amy for our 20th was a Bible small enough to fit in her purse. It’s a nice little Bible with a leather cover and snap enclosure to protect the gold leaf pages from getting crumpled. It’s a little small for my taste, but she’s been wanting one for years and was delighted. What do you think is the purpose of the Bible? I think its purpose is simply to proclaim God’s plan to save His children. It asserts that the human race is lost and needs to be saved…and it communicates the message that Jesus is God in the flesh, who was sent to save His children (us). Though the Bible was written over sixteen centuries by at least 40 authors, it has but one central theme – salvation through faith in Christ. Begun by Moses in the lonely desert of Arabia and finished by John on the lonely isle of Patmos, it is held together by a strong thread: God’s passion and God’s plan to save His children. What a vital truth! Understanding the Bible’s purpose is like setting a compass. Calibrate it correctly and your journey and path will be true…but fail to set it correctly and who knows where you’ll end up.

When was the last time you calibrated your compass?

Psalms 119:105 – Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Amy went today and had her CT Scan, now we wait until Monday to review the results. A friend of hers from church took her as I have already used my family leave and most of my vacation days for the year. She’s been somewhat frustrated this week because it being a week free of chemo, she really expected to feel better than she has. Even though she didn’t have treatment this week, she must realize that the chemo from the other weeks is still working in her body. Thinking on the nausea, headaches, stomach pains & exhaustion that she deals with on a daily bases, there are times when it’s overwhelming for her, especially when she look at having to deal with this every day for the next six months. She frequently breaks down and confides with me that she doesn’t know if she can do this for the next six months…and I always tell her ‘Yes, yes you can…you can because I will be there for you every step of the way.’ Not only will I be there for her, but family…friends…church and most importantly, God will be there for her. He will be there for her in more ways than ANY of the rest of us could ever be.

As Amy continues on this journey, please continue to pray. Pray for strength…pray that God provides perseverance…but more than anything, please pray that Amy starts to fell better especially on her chemo-free weeks.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me - V

Friday Amy goes to Madison to have a CT Scan done. The doctors say this scan will be used as a baseline and they will take another scan after Amy completes her 6 months of chemo, then they will compare the two to see if anything has returned. Even though this is a baseline, I’m sure they will look over the films very carefully. We’re at another milestone in this journey; Amy’s a little over 8 weeks out from surgery and she’s already started her post-operative chemo, but this will be the first time since surgery that we’ll get a ‘look’ inside. I admit that I’m feeling a little apprehensive, but I fully expect that nothing will show up.
Tonight, Amy and I went out and watered the garden. We’re getting some rather large tomatoes coming in, however, about 6 of them look like they’re half deflated. I asked our neighbors about it and they have never seen anything like it before, so I looked online and found out that it’s called Sun Scorching. They’re getting too much sun and not enough leaf cover. Not really sure what I can do for that, but one of the receptionists at work is a master gardener and I will ask her tomorrow.

My tomatoes got me to thinking about the verse in John 15 that says: ‘I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.’ Just like my tomatoes, I see fellow Christians being scorched, not by the sun, but instead by the world. They listen and abide by deceitful and misleading theologies. Being taught by people claiming to be of God, but instead have sold out to the world and have fully bought into the lies of the deceiver. These people take advantage of immature fruit while it’s still on the vine and choke it off from the truth. They manipulate and even downgrade the importance of the scriptures and the divinity of Jesus Christ. The entire 2nd chapter of 2 Peter and 3rd chapter of 2 Timothy talks about such people and it says that we are to have nothing to do with them.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me - V

This is Amy’s week off from Chemo and I can really see her strength returning. She’s still dealing with nausea and some pains, but I can tell that the weeks off are going to be the proverbial dangling carrot. Seeing her like this re-news my hope that one day, not too far off, she’ll be finished with the chemo and her strength will return…for good!

Through out these many months of blogging, we have had people from all over the United States and even a few from across the ocean either respond by posting a comment or have contacted us directly. Most offer a prayer for healing and encouragement, but there have been a handful that along with offers of prayer and encouragement, have also related their stories of how Pancreatic Cancer has touched their lives. All of you have been so good in your prayer support for Amy (and our family) and God continues to listen and answer according to His will. If you could, would you please offer a prayer for the following people?

Marianne – whose mother lost her battle to PC
Debbie – whose husband lost his battle to PC last Nov.
Cheryl – whose husband is currently battling PC
Sandy – whose husband lost his battle to PC

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me - V

20 years ago today, at 7:00pm, my life changed forever. I stood at the end of that long aisle, my hands cold & clammy, watching for the entrance of a beauty so stunning, so radiant that my attention couldn’t be drawn away by the 300 or so people sharing this same moment. As the doors opened and the music changed, I barely noticed that the others in the room rose to their feet…and in she walked. As she approached, glowing and shining in her loveliness, a smile of happiness spread across my face. Our eyes met for the briefest of moments, but the effect lasted much longer as the electricity from that intimate glance made the hair on the back of my neck stand and the breath in my lungs catch. Even as the priest asked ‘Who offers this woman’s hand in marriage?’ I couldn’t remove my eyes from the curve of her face…the beauty of her eyes. Her father said, ‘Her mother and I do.’ And the spell was broken as she turned and hugged her daddy and he placed her arm in mine. The rest of the ceremony is a blur…vows spoken…my best man almost passed out…I sang ‘Lady’…we lit our unity candle…and…finally…we kissed. We rode to the reception in a horse drawn gilded carriage. We laughed and chatted with the best man and maid of honor as we rode through town like royalty. At the reception we toasted…cut cake…and danced. People hugged us…congratulated us…wished us well. Sooner than expected the evening ended…and sooner than expected four years had past. Four years of marriage, four years of building a relationship, getting to know each other…building trust…building a deepening love…and Brittany was born, making us parents. Then six years had past and Amy gave birth to a boy…Trevor joined our family. When you are first married, ten years seems so very far off, but in reality time has a way of slipping by. Year 10 for us was very tumultuous and if it weren’t for God and my praying wife, we might not have made it past this year. The one bright spot in this rough year was on December 1st, Vinny was born, putting a happy ending to this long year. What followed was…blessing…a move to Baraboo…establishment of friendships…rootedness in a great God fearing, bible believing church. Year 15 soon came and after much discussion, Amy made a preliminary appointment to look into taking permanent measures in not having any more children. It was at that very appointment that we found out that Amy was pregnant! Tell me that God doesn’t have a sense of humor! On December 8th, Hope was born. As the years have past, we have enjoyed watching each of our kids grow. Yes, we’ve had our share of trouble, issues and disappointment. Time waits for no one…it continues to march on and when you least expect it, weeks…months…years have past. I can honestly say that year 20 isn’t one of my favorites, but like it or not, it is what it is…it’s part of us…it is our story and I for one wouldn’t want to have spent it with anyone else. Happy anniversary honey…I love you!

I’ve told you so many times that I love you, and I do.
On our anniversary, though, I wish I had another way to express it,
a way no one else in the world uses.
If only I could ask God to create a star just for you,
brighter and more beautiful than the others,
it might give you an idea of how you light up my existence…
Or if I could give you your own personal rainbow,
with each color representing a facet of you that enchants me,
it might come close to showing you how much color…
how much vibrance you bring into my life.
If only it were possible to take all of the feelings I have for you
and mold them into a sunbeam which would keep you warm forever,
then you would know, without a doubt, what a difference you make in the world,
what a difference you make to me…

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me - V