Amy's 'momentary trouble'

Psalm 30:11 - You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.

I can’t say that I’m there, turning my wailing into dancing, but I know that God is working in me to accomplish this. And I’ve been through this long enough to know that in order for this to happen, you HAVE to take it to the cross and lay it at the feet of Christ. Unless you have a heart of stone, I do not believe it is humanly possible to recover from a hurt this deep without the comfort and healing that can only come from Jesus and even if you do have a heart of stone, you really haven’t recovered. You’ve only succeeded in building a wall of bitterness that simply masks or hides the hurt. Real healing requires prayer and searching out God’s response in His holy Word. In Isaiah 41:10 it says ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ We’re not expected to do this on our own!

Oh, what tongue can tell the happiness of that hour, when the soul, oppressed by sin, is enabled freely to pour forth its sorrows before God and to take hold of His covenanted mercy in our Lord, Jesus Christ! Those that would bow in prayer, must seek the Lord, when, by His providence, He calls them to seek Him, and, by His Spirit, stirs them up to seek Him! In a time of finding, when the heart is softened with grief, and burdened with guilt; when all human refuge fails; when no rest, no peace, no satisfaction can be found to the troubled mind, then it is, and only then, that God applies the healing balm by his Spirit.

Letting go of the hurt does not involve letting go of Amy…that could never happen…I would never allow it to happen. Letting go of the hurt allows God to start the healing and I trust that when I have finished walking that path of sorrows and have avoided the pitfalls of bitterness, He will clothe me in joy and turn my mournful wailing into dancing. Oh, that the day may quickly come!

P.S. – This article came out in our Iowa hometown newspaper yesterday. A very nice article about Amy

For the love of Amy - V

Slowly, but surely I am having the kids start putting away their new clothes and toys from Christmas. I remember as a kid, stacking my games and boxes in a corner of the dinning room for a few days after Christmas for quick and easy access and my mom would let that go on for awhile and then she’d have me pick them up and put them away. We have one more Christmas to attend. It’s this weekend and I will be hosting. Amy piped up last year and asked my family if we could host the festivities this year. So, I’ll have about 16 of my family here (including my family). I plan on serving Butter Herbed Cornish Game Hen with Wild Rice dressing and Port Orange sauce. I am looking forward to having my family up here and am praying that everything comes off without a hitch.

For the love of Amy - V

I came awake to the sounds of footsteps upstairs and as I cleared the dust of dreams from my head and rubbed my eyes, I heard the excited voices of my children, ‘It’s Christmas! c’mon! c’mon!’ I heard them start to descend the stairs and I swung my legs out of bed…it was time…they were MORE than ready. As I was pulling on a pair of socks, I heard Vinny say ‘Whoa! Did you see all of that?!’ Hope came into my room and asked if I was coming and as I was slipping on a pair of shoes, I told her yes.
For the next two hours (yes, I said two hours), the kids un-wrapped their gifts. I think Trevor was the most excited because there were wrapped presents under the tree. In years past we had really never wrapped the gifts to our kids (Amy never really enjoyed wrapping very much, while I am a bit OCD about wrapping – pulled tight and edges creased), but instead laid them out in their own areas. I remember one of the first years we lived in Baraboo, we were going back to Iowa to celebrate with family and decided to have our own Christmas when we got back. Amy and I had set it up that we would get all of the kids out into the van and then told them that we needed to make sure we had everything for the trip. Once back in the house, Amy and I tore around and quickly laid all of the gifts out…it worked! When we got back from Iowa and the kids went in the house, they saw that ‘Santa’ had came and they were absolutely flabbergasted!...I digress…so, Trevor was very excited because about 90% of the presents were wrapped. Towards the end there were some family gifts that friends had given and one in particular was a very nice 3-panel Mahogany picture frame with the word ‘Family’ cut out of pewter at the top of the frame. The panels are vertical and in the center frame I saw some words, Trevor had the frame in his hands and so I asked him to read what was there. He got through the first two lines and his lip began to quiver. He tried to continue, but was unable to and he just put his head in his hands and cried. Brittany too tried to read what was there and while she made it through, she was difficult to understand through the sobs and crying. This is what was there:

Along the Golden Streets, my Mother walks tonight,
With wonder in her heart, faith blossomed into sight.
She walks and stops and stares, and walks and stops again.
Vistas of loveliness, beyond the dreams of men.
She who was feeble, weak, and shackled to her bed,
Now climbs the hills with light and easy tread –
She has escaped at last, life’s cruel clutch of pain;
Her lips shall never taste its bitter cup again.
Oh! Never call her dead, this buoyant one, and free,
Whose daily portion is delight and ecstasy!
She bows in speechless joy, before the feet of Him,
Whom, seeing not, she loved, while yet her sight was dim.
Along the Golden Streets, no stranger walks today,
But one who, long homesick, is Home at last to stay!

And while this and several other moments, brought back the stark reality that Amy is no longer with us here on Earth, this poem…these words, gives all of us a window into the glory that Amy is experiencing and knowing this gives me and the kids great peace!

For the love of Amy - V

ISAIAH 9:6 - “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace!”



I’ve finished laying all of the presents out, and as you can see, it’s going to be a grand celebration. The kids have no idea what has been done for them and I am quite sure that they will be excited and in awe at the same time. I’ve gone ahead and signed some of the gifts to each of the kids in memory of Amy (Mom or Mommy), but now I wonder about the wisdom of that as I’m unsure what their reactions will be.
It was extraordinarily difficult for me in church today; as we sung several Christmas carols, I kept thinking how Amy loved this or that carol. I got so choked-up when they started playing ‘Away in a Manger’ that I couldn’t even sing.
As we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus and all that each of our traditions bring to this day, I got to thinking about Amy and this being her first Christmas in heaven. I can’t help but think how our trimmed trees, candles, bows, ribbons, candies, gifts and a myriad of other decorations all pale in comparison to the amazingly grand celebration that Amy will be a part of tomorrow. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to even adequately imagine the celebration that will occur. Songs sung in perfect pitch, harmony and tempo, decorations and sights which are seen with such clarity as to make HDTV laughable and a feast set with every imaginable food, prepared to perfection (literally) with a taste so delectable that you can separate the individual flavors and aromas and at the center of it all…the Son of God, the Prince of Peace…Jesus. And with Him tomorrow, will be Amy! Joining in singing with the choir, she’ll be singing praises with her perfect voice. Walking with Jesus, she’ll be taking in the mind boggling sights of heaven without the need of glasses or contacts! And sitting down at the table of our Lord Jesus Christ to break bread, she will taste of the bounty of our Lord. Can you imagine? My puny, imperfect brain can only imagine only up to a certain point as human comprehension is finite and I am quite sure that God and therefore heaven goes a long way past that which I can dream up! - Merry Christmas everyone!

Dear heavenly Father, please tell Amy that I love her and miss her terribly. Let her know that our kids are doing remarkably well, but they too miss her. Lord, this Christmas I would pray for a large measure of peace and continued strength and thank you for being so incredibly faithful in supplying the strength and peace that has gotten me through thus far. Your love and compassion, they sustain me…your promises and blessings, they overwhelm me…your protection and gift, they humble me. – Amen.

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven stars
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
O, the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here!

For I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
for it goes beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
but, through our memories held so dear..
We're never far apart.

I can not tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior.......face-to-face?

I'll ask him to light your spirits
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I'll pray for 'One another'
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirits sing
for I'm spending Christmas in heaven
and I'm walking beside the King. - Unknown

For the love of Amy - V

About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire. This was the first census when Quirinius was the governor of Syria. Everyone had to travel to his hometown to be accounted for. So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah, David's hometown, for the census. As a decendant of David he had to go there. He went with Mary, his fiancee, who was pregnant.
While they were there, the time came for her to give birth. She gave birth to a son, her firstborn. She wrapped Him in a blanket and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the hostel.
There were shepherds camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God's angel stood among them and God's glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, "Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David's town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you're to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger."
At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God's praises: "Glory to God in the heavenly heights; Peace to all men and women on earth who please Him."
As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the shepherds talked it over. "Let's get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us." They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the shepherds were impressed.
Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. The shepherds returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they'd been told! ~ Luke 2:1-20

A man went to the local locker the other day…it was the middle of the afternoon and he thought the place would be slower…he was wrong! He goes in and takes a number…14…they’re on 97. He peruses the cases and mentally checks off the items that he needs, recognizing that it’s going to be a long wait, he settles into a spot along the back wall. About 5 minutes later, the owner of the locker comes out of the back room and spots the man standing in the back. They know each other (not close friends, but more than acquaintances), so they wave to each other and the owner returns to the back room. Not two minutes later the owner comes back out, comes around the counter, approaches the man and asks him how he’s been. The man had gone through a recent heartbreak and with the emotion still fresh in his mind, his eyes fall to the ground and answers that he’s good. Next, the owner says, ‘So, you got a number? I’m free and I’d be happy to help you.’ The man, feeling about 20 pairs of eyes on him, hesitates, but the owner snags the number out of the mans hand and says ‘Come on!’ The man orders a couple steaks, ring bologna, some chicken, a couple pounds of hamburger and some summer sausage. The man waits as the owner carefully wraps and bags his order. When the owner finishes he motions for the man to meet him at the register, when he gets there, the owner comes around and just hands the man the bag…the man starts to say ‘I can’t…’ and the owner interrupts, saying ‘You’ve experienced enough this year, Merry Christmas.’

This man is me. The love and support the kids and I have received during this Christmas season, goes beyond even my words to explain. THANK YOU! Thank you to you teachers, who worked with, laughed with and yes even cried with Amy, your generosity goes WAY beyond anything I have ever known. Thank you to the nurses who took care of Amy during the MANY trips and stays. I sit here and think of the literal 100's maybe 1000's of cancer patients you see each year and you chose us to bless. I, as her husband, have always thought of Amy as special, but to see the results of the lives that she touched revealed is a huge blessing to me. Your generosity was a total surprise. Thank you to those who worked with Amy at Land’s End, even though she worked only during the Christmas Season each year, you still saw fit to bless us with your generosity. Thank you to Foremost Farms, my employer and co-workers all have been and continue to be supportive. Your generosity and personal sacrifice is so much more than I ever expected or could have hoped it would be. And to all of you who have given of yourselves, whether it’s cash, food, cleaning, taking or running my kids or simply praying for us, thank you.

Merry Christmas everyone – Celebrate Jesus!

For the love of Amy - V

Why did He come? Why did Jesus Christ, the Son of God, leave His kingly throne in Heaven and come to Earth? Being of God and indeed God Himself, Jesus knew very well what was in store for Him when He came down from glory to the pain and disappointment that this world has to offer. He knew that Herod would try and have Him hunted down after He was born…knew his own earthly family would run Him out of town…knew that one of His twelve would betray Him…knew that the very people who laid down their palm fronds and cloaks, would just a week later scream for His crucifixion. Could He have called a legion of Angels to come to His aide when the whip was literally ripping His flesh from His back? Yes, He could have. Could He have, with but a simple command, opened everyone’s eyes to the fact that He was God come to Earth? Do not doubt it for a second.
Why then? Why with the foreknowledge that He had, would He allow Himself to be treated so cruelly? Six small words: ‘For God so loved the world…’ There is not one thing that you or I can do or have done to deserve that perfect love. Isaiah 64:6 says: ‘All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.’ And yet He came so that you might live and the sacrifice He provided is a gift. Ephesians 2:8-9 says this: ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.’ This was Amy favorite verse; she had copied it carefully on a piece of printer paper and posted it on our refrigerator. Such a simple gesture, the giving of a gift, but in the giving there is always sacrifice. The other thing about gifts is that they aren’t earned. As Ephesians says above, it’s not by works…it’s not that we deserve it (because we don’t!)…It’s a gift freely given, but as with anything that’s offered, we do have to accept it.

As Christmas approaches, please seriously contemplate the gift that was given some 2000 years ago and the sacrifice He provided 33 years later…wont you accept His gift?

For the love of Amy - V

As I look back over my life I find that it is very much like a book; sometimes it’s a history book, sometimes a comedy, and at other times tragedy and drama. All of it moving chronologically through my life as a child…a teenager…a father. Some chapters are a good read, while others most resemble a dime store novel…lots of pages but not very exciting or interesting. But when I stop skimming the book and instead focus on specific instances or chapters, my feelings turn mixed. Some of those chapters disappoint me and I find myself longing to revisit those times and re-write my thoughts or actions and thereby changing the outcomes. But because it's the past, what was done is done and is out of my reach. However, while I can't re-write my history, I can learn from these missteps and I realize that’s OK. My mother, grandmother and Amy, are in the volumes that rest on the shelves of my memory. Daily, I lift each out tenderly and with affection page through their chapters, their stories and relive their heritage and love to me. I laugh and I weep and enfolding the volumes, I hold them close, reliving each moment I shared with them, sharing them with my children and others who have been touched by their lives. The chapters that contain stories of my friends and family are very dear to me and I hold precious each chapter that contains my memories of Amy. I retrace these memories and read the many treasured stories I have accumulated. There too, are chapters that I find difficult to read and the memories of these fill me with regret and the wish to go back and change some of the causes of those difficulties, but I know that is not possible. I do however, take comfort in the fact that Amy and I dealt with those chapters years ago, coming to terms with…forgiving and moving past them. I just wish those times weren’t wasted so foolishly. I can only make sure that I conduct my current and future relationships better. You see, the book of my life is still being written and as the chapters daily unfold, I want to strive to make each chapter worth the life it is printed on.

May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life.

For the love of Amy - V

This weekend went by so quickly and so much activity was packed into it that I am exhausted and it seems like just a blur. I got the kids up at 6:15 am on Saturday, got breakfast for the younger two, finished packing and was out the door by 8:10 am. We traveled 3 ½ hours to Waterloo, Iowa to celebrate Christmas with Amy’s family. We arrived around 10:45 am and soon after the rest of the family arrived. There were hugs and many tears as this was the first time since the funeral that we saw anyone from Amy’s family. For the next 1 ½ hours, we chatted and ‘grazed’ on everything from taco dip and chips to lil’ smokies in BBQ sauce. There were all kinds of dips and chips, shrimp with cocktail sauce and Gene even made French dip sandwiches. Somewhere around 2:00pm, when the kids couldn’t stand it any longer, we finally sat down to exchange gifts and while it was fun to watch what everyone got, the best came when Sandy asked the 5 younger boys to stand in a line in front of what looked like a rather large box covered by a big table clothe. Once lined up, she asked if any of them had any idea what was under the covering, none of them ventured a guess and when she removed the covering with a flourish, to see the look on each of those boy’s faces was absolutely priceless! Vinny’s eyes bugged out and he jumped up and down saying ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’, Josh’s jaw dropped to the floor and took a step back, Jacob just got this huge grin on his face and said ‘Sweet!’, Alex dropped to his knees and said ‘I can’t believe it!’ and Trevor shook his head in disbelief and said ‘You’ve got to be kidding me!’…she had bought each of the boys a Video Gaming chair. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a comfortable chair that has no legs, sits on the floor and you can rock back in it while you’re playing video games. The best part is that these weren’t any ordinary gaming chairs; they have built in surround sound speakers that can be hooked up to your video console…pretty cool and chalk one up for Nana, she really blew the socks off those boys! Later on, some went to the Waterloo Black Hawks hockey game. Trevor went, but the rest of my family stayed put and either played with their new toys, played board games or watched a video.
Everyone had a really good time and there was much joking and laughter, but through out the entire day there was a subtle subdued air and while all of us carried on, it was abundantly clear that Amy was sorely missed.

We needed to be back before 1:00pm the next day as Brittany’s choral concert started at 1:30pm. The next morning, I decided to let Brittany drive back (well, at least as far as Dubuque, about 90 miles). I figured it was a Sunday morning and she really needs the highway driving time. She did very well and only ‘faded’ to the right on a few occasions. One time she got fairly close to going off the pavement and onto the gravel shoulder, which afforded me the opportunity of explaining exactly why it’s NOT a good idea to do that at 65 mph…she was pretty paranoid about it the rest of the way, but the lesson was learned. We made it back by 12:45pm and Brittany and I both rushed to get ready in time. We made it and the concert was very nice. Before the start and in between choral groups, a man played the theater’s large pipe organ. He played Christmas standards and it was very nice to hum and sing along with the songs. Right after the concert, I had to run home, get the younger two ready and took them up to the church for their final rehearsal before their Christmas show that started at 6:00pm. I came back home, got something for Trevor and I to eat (it’s 4:00pm at this point and none of us had lunch!) and after Brittany got home, all of us went up to the church to see the kids’ Christmas show. The show was nicely done and all of the kids did a wonderful job and I got to thinking, as I watched what used to be Amy’s Sunday school class, that Amy stood with the whole of heaven’s hosts as the worship of those children reached the ears of our Lord Jesus Christ. If I enjoyed it, can you imagine the pleasure…the sweet aroma it was to Him?

For the love of Amy - V

Just a short note tonight. We have to get up early as we have Christmas with Amy's family. Please be praying for all of us as this will be the first major family get together since Amy's passing. Pray for peace of mind, for Joy that everyone will enjoy themselves and laugh. While everyone will be missing Amy deeply, I know she would want...no, she would expect us to have fun, to laugh and if you really knew Amy, to be slightly naughty.

Well, I must be off to bed.

For the love of Amy - V

Psalm 31:7 - For you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

When you've walked through the valley of the shadow of death
When you thought the worst was over and the worst was all that was left
Some things can't be explained now, but one day He surely will
Look up through the pain now, you will find Him Deeper Still
Deeper still you will find him, deeper than you sought before
Deeper than the anchor goes, deeper than the ocean floor
Deeper still your faith has taught you, deeper still there is to go
Deeper still we find the Savior, deeper still than we know.

God knows about grief, He understands our pain, our sorrow, our loss. The night Jesus was arrested he spent a good deal of time in prayer at that rock in the garden of Gethsemane. He asked His father (Math 26:39)‘…My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.’ Jesus knew what He was facing and what He would have to endure and He also was keenly aware of what was at stake…and yet He still asked. Jesus didn’t want to drink of the cup of suffering, but He submitted to His father’s will. What an incredible picture of what it must have been like to be God become man. Even Jesus Christ didn’t want to face the grief that awaited him. Who does? Who hasn’t faced an anguished, pleading moment and found ourselves saying, ‘God, get me out of this! Perform a miracle in me! Don’t make me go through this sickness, this hardship, this struggle. Don’t take my wife’s life! Take this from me! Take IT!’
Christ’s grief was very real at Gethsemane. In fact, it was so intense, Luke 22:44 says ‘his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.’ But it didn’t end there; Jesus had Golgotha to face yet. Beaten and bleeding, He carried His own cross to the very spot where they pounded spikes through His hands and feet and raised that cross until it slid into the hole with a ‘thump!’ I can imagine that through the jeering, laughter and people spitting on Him, Jesus felt utterly alone…forsaken…abandoned. He even said, ‘My GOD! My GOD!...why have you forsaken me?!’ He knows grief; Jesus is quite acquainted with grief…with pain…with sorrow. When we face our own Golgotha, the crucible of suffering. A place so terrible, so alone, so dark, that one feels forsaken, Jesus is there with you. He knows each step…He knows the way, but He doesn’t want to help you carry your cross…He’s already carried your cross…He’s already paid the price and as we come to Him, weeping in our grief, He envelops us in His open arms and says, ‘I know my child…I know.’ And He really does!

For the love of Amy - V

It’s been one month this morning since Amy went to be with the Lord. Life has been a whirlwind and just plain crazy as I adjust to filling both roles. Making sure the kids get to where they’re supposed to be, when they’re supposed to be there, keeping the house in order (still working on that!), etc. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself, but my hope is that we will soon all settle into a rhythm. It’s hard…some days harder than others as my emotions sway from a longing pang to deep sorrow. I miss her so much and I always will.
Today a memory came to me…a memory of a conversation that Amy and I had about 2 to 3 weeks before she passed away. We had been talking about the see-saw news we had received from the doctors and she related that earlier in the day she had talked with her mother (updating her on what the doctors had told us) and during their talk, Amy told her, ‘Mom, I just love Vince SO much!’ I can’t seem to recall what the comment was in specific reference to, but we had many talks about her not wanting to die and leave me. Amy and I had our share of issues throughout our marriage, but God continually drew us together. Building our love for each other upon His foundation and through His love for the two of us until, with Him as the center, we could withstand any storm. And this got me to thinking; maybe the earlier tests of our relationship, hardships we endured and spats we had, were allowed in order to strengthen our love and commitment to each other, so that we might both be prepared for the final storm.

Oh, how I wish we could have had more time together…just a day, even an hour. To listen to her voice…hold her hand…run my fingers through her hair.

For the love of Amy - V

Philippians 4:11(b) - I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

In the devotional that I am reading, they expounded upon the above verse this way. ‘I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens to me.’ We are all extremely blessed, think about it. When was the last time you had to make a choice between gas for the car and food for the table? Even at that, you’re blessed enough to have a car and a table to even make a choice over. The very air that all of us draw into our lungs is a blessing from God. Each breath, each heartbeat, our children and even the very Sun which rises and sets day after day…all blessings from our heavenly father. The next time you drive through the bluffs, I challenge you to not find blessing in the beauty of God’s creation in the rolling of the hills or the colors of the trees.
What if God’s only gift…only blessing to you were His grace to save you? You beg Him to keep your business afloat, we plead with Him to make our sick children well, I’ve implored Him to reach down His healing hand and remove the cancer from my wife’s chemo and radiation abused body. What if His answer is, ‘My grace is enough.’ Would you be content? If God did nothing more than send His ONLY son (who was abused, beaten, whipped, spat upon and crucified upon a cross) to save you from the fiery torments of hell, should anyone complain?
You see, from heaven’s perspective, grace IS enough. Having been given eternal life, dare we grumble at an aching body? Having been promised a storehouse of riches in heaven where nothing will perish, do we dare bemoan earthly poverty, which is only for a season?

I know it’s tough, believe me, I have…am…living it. Contentment, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as: 1. Quietly satisfied and happy – reasonably happy and satisfied with the way things are. 2. Ready to accept something – willing to accept or comply with a situation or course of action. I would not say that the first definition is where I am at right now. Truth be told, I am not reasonably happy or satisfied, however I also am not angry or spiteful. Right now, my contentment is much more like the second definition. I have had many people tell me that I have a right to be angry about this…I don’t think so. Upset, sad, heartbroken, longing after, yes. But to actually be angry with God? Isn’t that tantamount to saying that His plan isn’t perfect? That He made a mistake? And if I believe He makes mistakes, what does that say about my faith?

If you have the means to be reading these words, or the hands to type a response, not to mention having the eyesight and knowledge to read these words, hasn’t God already given you grace pilled upon grace?

For the love of Amy - V

Well, I finished putting the last of the Christmas decorations up last night. Wrapped the front columns with evergreen garland, draped some along the top of the openings of the porch. Then went back and attached small red bows throughout and two large red bows to the front of each of the pillars. On the inside of the house, I only had our stockings to hang in front of the fireplace. I hadn’t intended to hang Amy’s, but Vinny asked me, ‘Aren’t you going to hang up Mommy’s stocking?’ I just stopped and looked at him and for a split second thought about telling him, ‘No, Vinny…we’re not going to.’ but instead I saw the pleading in his eyes and the unasked question of ‘Why wouldn’t we?’ So, I took a breath and asked him, ‘Would you like me to?’ and he sort of half smiled…a thinning and stretching of the lips really…and rapidly nodding his head, said ‘Yes, Daddy…please?’ And so, Amy’s stocking is hung right along with ours, where it should be.

Oh and by the way…I won the battle with those Candy Cane lights; they are securely fastened and standing the way they should!

Psalm 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

For the love of Amy - V

Six years and a roughly 8 months ago, Amy went to see her physician to see about taking permanent measures to keep from getting pregnant. Amy and I had talked about it in great length over the period of at least a year and while Amy and I would have loved to have more kids, neither of us could see where we could afford to have more. So, as part of this visit, Amy had also scheduled her yearly exam, which required some blood work among other tests which were all done before her doctor would come in to see her. So, her doctor comes in and asks Amy why she’s there and upon Amy telling her that she’s looking into getting her tubes tied, her doctor smiles at her and says, ‘You don’t know that you’re pregnant do you?’ Amy was stunned! Elated, but stunned! About 8 months later, on December 8th, 2000, Amy gave birth to Hope Rose Howard (HRH – her royal highness!). The actual birth was incredibly fast, so fast in fact that the doctor’s weren’t able to give her ANY pain medication! Amy later said that she had never endured such pain and stress, but from my point of view, she was a real trooper, she did great! I was so amazingly proud of her! Hope came into our family unexpected, but never unwelcomed! She has provided aspects to our family that we’ve never saw before (she’s a princess and a diva through and through!), loves to sing and a lot of the time I will find her singing or humming under her breath (usually making up songs or adding her own lyrics to tunes she already knows) . Today she turns 6. It’s hard to believe that time has gone by so very quickly, it seems that it was just yesterday when she decided to try and cut her own hair or when she spoke her first word (mamma). When she smiles, it truly lights up the room and when she laughs, it gladdens my heart! She is a joy, I love her and thank God that in His infinite wisdom, saw that we weren’t finished having children before she was born. Happy birthday your highness!

I get a lot of forwarded email (like I’m sure all of you do) and I must admit that about 90% of the time, I either quickly peruse them, or skip them altogether. However, last night I received a forward that at first I ignored, but something in the back of my mind kept drawing me back to that email. Maybe it was the title, or perhaps the person who had sent it, but either way I was continually drawn to it until I finally opened it. What it contained was a link to a website and the following note, ‘This is excellent. It puts in perspective the lunacy of the many and varied theories…Gather your kids & watch this together, grandparents make certain your grandkids see it.’ The teaching in it is incredibly simple, the message is SO overwhelmingly powerful and the logic so incredibly sound that I literally had to view it again. And then I called Hope in and viewed it with her. Then I called Vinny in and viewed it with him and I did this with each of my children and I told them why it was SO important. Here is the link:
WATCHMAKER it is an absolute MUST see and it only takes a few minutes to view, please take the time to view it.
If WE don’t take the initiative as parents or even as grandparents TODAY, not tomorrow, to ensure that our children know the truth, then what they learn in our schools will be the only ‘truth’ they know. If they aren’t taught that life is unique, that it has order and design and that we are here because we have a creator who loved us that much, then the opposite will be what they know as truth, that life isn’t unique, that it’s completely random and happened only by chance. That because life really isn’t unique, that maybe there’s less value to some forms (babies, elderly) of it. Worse yet, if there really is no creator, then my destiny is what I make of it, truth is only relative there really is no right and no wrong, it’s what I determine it to be. Don’t you find it interesting that in the animal world, if a lion kills another lion, that’s the ‘circle of life’, but if a human kills another human, it’s murder? Why is that? It’s because God has knitted deep within each of us a moral code; we instinctively know the basics of right and wrong. You may say, well, we learn our moral code from our parents. I agree that we as parents have a responsibility to reinforce and expound upon our children’s moral fiber, but if we only learn our morals from our parents and they from theirs (and so on), where did the first person get/learn their moral code? If we are, like so many say, descendant/evolved from animals and as I stated earlier that in the animal world many times it’s kill or be killed, why is our moral code different? Why is murder or theft or lying wrong? And why do we feel guilt?

Well, by now you know the answer to that question. All it takes is a quick look inside an analog watch, see the precision with which it was designed and built and how carefully it had to be put together to make it work properly. Nothing random there. Why would be human body, which is exponentially more complex, be any different?

Jeremiah 1:5 – ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..’

P.S. Someone asked how best to contribute to Amy's memorial fund. There are several, but the easiest would be to send a check directly to me, CLEARLY stating where you wish your dontation to be used (memorial, children's educational trusts, etc) and send them to:

Vince Howard
1016 East St
Baraboo, WI
53913

For the love of Amy - V

As Christmas draws near, we've been decorating the house piece meal. The first night we set up the tree, but didn't put anything else on it. The next night, I discovered that half of our Christmas lights failed to work, so I went out to fetch replacements and decided it would be nice if I got a few of those light up candy canes for the front walk (BIG mistake!), so when I got home, I started right in on those, but it was bitterly cold out that night with a bit of a wind added in. Those canes have a plastic stake that requires them to be pounded into the ground... hard...frozen ground. After snapping two of them right in half, I decided to take it out on the ground and pounded it with the rubber mallet...and found out that pounding the ground actually helped, so I'd 'soften' the ground by pounding it and then I could get the rest of the stakes in without breaking any more of them. I got them all put together and then discovered that half of them didn't fit tightly on the stakes and the wind would blow them right over...like I said, BIG mistake. So, I moved inside to thaw out and put up the lights and angel, enough for one night! The next night I hung the glass ornaments and setup the mantle and top of the piano. And that's where we're at. We'll get there, but the older two have been busy and they need to be here to put up their ornaments (family tradition) and we really don't have that much more to do. Although I can't find the hooks I used last year to hang the stockings and I KNOW there's several other boxes that we didn't get at, but that's OK. It doesn't ALL have to go up.

Once again, I want to thank each and every one of you who have held the kids and I up in prayer and for those of you who have helped out in any large or small way, to us, it's always large and I know it comes from your heart. Through your help and prayers, I can feel God pressence through your love.

For the love of Amy - V

Psalm 18:30 – The ways of God are without fault.

When God doesn’t do what we want or expect, it’s not easy…it never will be.

In C.S. Lewis’s book, ‘A Grief Observed’ (written after his own wife died of cancer) he states, ‘Your belief…for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity…will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious your faith is until the stakes are raised horribly high,’

How does one cope? I know that over time the sorrow...the loss...the pain will diminish. But, what about right now? What do I do? How do I handle the fact that my kids will grow up, go off to college, get married and raise their own kids without the help, wisdom or love and support of their mother? As the kids grow, there will be things that Amy would have provided that I simply can not. Traits that she carried and provided that I don’t possess. I know that the only way I have made it thus far and will continue to make it through the grief is to rely on God for peace…strength and wisdom. You see, if in your grief, sorrow and pain, you do not turn to God and the wisdom of His word for guidance and solace, you will be hard pressed to even have the desire to get out of bed in the morning! When in your grief you find that you do not even want to leave the house...or you find that you don't even care anymore, turn to God's word and read of His love...read of His caring nature and read of the great compassion that He has for you. Immerse yourself, take every opportunity you can to drench yourself in His word and I guarantee you will find within its passages a healing balm like no other! It is said that time heals all wounds, why wait that long! Within His word, healing begins today! It’s okay to be sad and to grieve. It is okay to ask God questions and ask Him to reveal more of Himself; it is His desire for us to search for and to know Him and to be real with Him and experience His comfort and love. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Go on and start today, after all what do you have to lose? Nothing..but you will gain your life!

Faith is the conviction that God knows more than we do about this life and He will get us through it.

For the love of Amy - V

Well, today officially started youth basketball season. Vinny, in his first year at 4th grade, had a tournament in Spring Green today. They played three games, lost the first one and won the next two, giving them 2nd place. Pretty exciting for those boys!
I have had a few people leave comments on wanting to participate in the up coming fundraiser/silent auction slated for this coming February. Please email me at the following address for further inquiry/correspondence: vincesblogbox@hotmail.com.

God is for us, He is on our side, on our bench and wearing our colors. Turn to the sidelines, that's God cheering us on. Look past the finish line; that's Him holding your medal. Listen for Him in the bleachers; He's shouting your name! And if you stumble and fall and haven't the strength to carry on, He'll pick you up and carry you! Too discouraged to fight? He'll pick up your standard and defend you until you recover. God IS for you...for me...for us. Your birthdate is circled on His calendar, your name is a bumper sticker on His car and your picture is in His family album. Isaiah 49:15 says this, 'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has born?...' What an odd question! All of you mothers, think about that. Can you imagine feeding your infant and then later ask, 'What was that baby's name?' That would be absurd! I have seen some of you care for your children. You stroke the hair, touch the softness of the skin, breath deeply the aroma that can only come from a freshly bathed baby and you sing the child's name. Over and over, using different melodies...different timing...different stylings. Can a mother possibly forget? Not a chance. However, as the passage finishes, God pledges, '...even if she could forget...I will never forget you.'

Zephaniah 3:17 - He will rejoice over you. You will rest in His love; He will sing and be joyful about you.

For the love of Amy - V

1996, The year the Green Bay Packers not only went to the Super Bowl, but won it. 1996 was also the year we moved from Iowa to Wisconsin and lived in Green Bay where we lived in a small three bedroom ranch style duplex. Amy used to get SO excited because we lived within two miles of Lambeau Field and the blimp would fly right over our house on game day. Also on December 1st, 1996, Vincent Michael Howard was born. Today is Vinny’s birthday and it’s a big one! He goes from single to double digits as he turn 10! Amy always said that God gave her and I Vinny to make us laugh and that is SO true! He is a good sweet boy who has just enough ‘Dennis the menace’ in him to make him interesting, but not enough to make him trouble! Amy related a story to me once about after she had picked Hope and him up from Awana’s on Wednesday evening. It seems that our pastor was talking about our different missionaries and was showing the kids various currency’s from these places. Vinny was explaining this with great excitement to Amy and said ‘Mom, he even had one from eat!’ Amy asked ‘Eat??’ and Vinny said ‘Yeah, eat.’ And that’s when Trevor piped up and said ‘Vinny, don’t you mean Hungary?’ to which Vinny replied ‘Yeah, Hungry…Hungry, Eat…same thing..’ We have SO many what we call Vinny funnies there just isn’t enough time to share them all. Vinny is also a very caring and sensitive boy as I remember on a couple of occasions where he found himself being disciplined and he would look Amy and me in the eye and say with tears in his eyes, ‘I am SO, SO sorry!’ and seeing the depth of his regret, the punishment was minimized. Vinny worried me for awhile after his mother’s passing as he withdrew and became very quite, but over the past week, he has opened up a lot more and is much less withdrawn. Vinny, I am proud to be called your father as I know your mother was proud of you as well. You make it easy to love you and you have an infectious smile. My prayer for you my son is that as you grow older that you continue to grow in the Lord, strive to be the best you can be, do not sacrifice happiness or your soul for success, hang tightly to the memories of your mother and never, ever forget that she and I both love you very much.

May the worst day of your past, be worse than the worst day of your future…

For the love of Amy - V