Amy's 'momentary trouble'

A few days ago, I was handed an article by a friend. This article, clipped from a ‘Parade’ type paper, talked about a mother’s grief over losing her 5 year old daughter to disease. She struggled for quite awhile with trying to figured out just how to go on, how to regain her identity. This mother wrote that everywhere she looked, every special day that past, she saw shades of her daughter. She went on to say that so much of ourselves, our identities are tied up/connected with those we love, that when tragedy does strike, our identities flounder and possibly even die to a certain extent. The writer goes on to say after the death of someone you love, we are forced to figure out who we are now and it’s difficult to reach the point where you realize that moving forward doesn’t mean leaving behind the person you’ve lost. Little by little she came to realize that in order for her to pull herself out of her deep grief, she needed to start placing her identity in other things or activities that wouldn’t immediately remind her of her daughter. This wasn’t to say that she wanted to forget her daughter, on the contrary, she had/has a deep seeded need to never forget her, but in order for her to move beyond the grief, the heartache and the pain, she needed to purposefully establish a new identity, who she was without her daughter. I haven’t been posting very much lately and for the longest time, I really wasn’t sure why. All I knew is that my muse…my inspiration had died and after awhile, I was no longer sure where to go from there, what to write about, what to share. In essence, I lost myself. So, in the vacuum of time I found myself searching for who I am now. Who IS Vince Howard now…today. Some things are plainly obvious, like:

- I’m a ‘sudden’ single parent of four kids who desperately need to know that everything will be alright.
- I am a child of God and He IS my strong tower and He WILL comfort me, provide for me and watch over me.
- The dynamic of where I fit in has changed. I’m not part of a couple anymore and while on the surface nothing has changed in the relationships that Amy and I had together, there does seem to be an underlying level of uncertainty or hesitancy.
- In spite of what I said above, I have friends who love me and will be there in a moments notice if I need them. Some of them find it difficult to approach me and search for the right words to say (and that’s OK, I need more ears than mouths at this point in time). I can actually see the sadness in their eyes when they come up to me, pat me on the shoulder and ask how I’m doing.

In all of this, even in my search for my redefined identity, I know that God has a plan for me. Other things are a bit more difficult, like moving on emotionally and while I know that will/may come with time, I know myself well enough that I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I struggle with many aspects of this issue and quite often my heart aches over the mere thought of it. Not to mention other potential avenues of concern too; how do/would the kids feel about it if/when a new person enters my life, what would I do if an issue arose where I would need to choose to side with this new person or my kids. I know and understand that I am getting the cart WAY before the horse, but this is real, this is what I will have to face.

So, I’m searching…and day by day I continue to find pieces of my shattered life and as I rediscover each piece, I am quickly finding out that it isn’t reassembling the same way as before…I am not the same person I was a year ago and in many ways, that’s good (I feel closer to God for one) and in others, it’s sad. However, I KNOW that if it wasn’t for my faith in the one true God (my El-Shaddai) and the results of the blessings He daily rains down upon me, I would have cracked under the pressure and stress and pain months ago.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us and To Him who is able to keep us from falling and to present us before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy, to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord – Amen.

For the love of Amy - V